Weee 1st day of school. hmm lets see.... started at 3 with lab with Alvin Poh just knew he was gonna catch my hair... poor alex had to donate blood!!! he took over desmonds place! haha. had to draw blood from my finger 5 times!!! 4 times from Martin and 1 time from Joanne... Then was home for dinner before going out for supper! met up with Mei, then planned to eat at 401, in the end Gary, Carel, Brent and Mel decided to join us so off to punggol we went... Ended pretty late around 11 plus. tried to reach punggol mrt by 1128 via LRT. In the end missed it by 2 mins. basket so it was 240... argh!!! I really should be getting in the habit of sleeping earlier..

I cant believe how alive i feel....

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 10:09 AM

Dinner at Serangoon Garden Market with Brent, Mel, Mei, Med, Carel, Gary and Edmund! Me and brent were clearing two plates of stingrays yummy... plus my kway teow and a couple of satays. All that oily food washed down with Sugar cane and lemon. Back to my house to chill... They played mahjong i just lazed around waiting for Don to come. Watched Manu vs Middlesborough. #$!@#! bloody waste of time. prata at RK house. Followed by some talking and watching of the sun rise.

Im glad you took that first step =)

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 4:15 AM

Im tired, Im bored... But i have to take it for another 2 hours more before the game starts around three!!! sigh... seriously cannot take it anymore. I need my sleep!!!!

Wish I could be every little thing you wanted.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 9:18 AM

two hearts,
two minds,
in time,
did find,
one path the same,
will you be mine,
to stay forever in time....

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 9:05 AM

finally...im home.
got locked out of the house after reaching home around 4 plus... called my bro like a million times, but he didnt pick up. So waited for my mum to switch on the light and called her. As usual got an earful, but what the hell i just couldnt wait to enjoy the aircon.

So today dinner and movie! We finally managed to dragged Medwin! haha. met up at ps around 630, and as usual the rest were late.. Brent, med, mel, edmund came first. So we went long john to grab seats... Mei Mei and Carol joined as i bought my food... Nobody else was hungry, so they just watched me eat!!! omg. bought tickets for "meet the robinsons" then we went to walk arnd the area to kill time!! Steph joined before the movie began and yes. i think i got the worst seats in the whole theatre... Sitting beside two bloody immature guys, abit older than i am.. sheesh. they just kept laughing loudly at totally unfunny things. I mean yea im sure disney movies attract a different crowd but yea... this is too much!! The movie was not bad overall. At the endin theres this phrase by "Walt Disney" the late founder of Disney... Its really inspiring.

Around here, however we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

Was supposed to go back to watch football, but they psychoed me to go drinking... As usual they bought a bottle of vodka so the mixers were free. Free flow sprite! YES!! but when they played games they drank a sip as forfit, while i had to drink whole glasses. imagine the brain freeze. I drank a total of 9 cups of sprite! went to the toilet and vomitted.. bleah too bloated. everyone then joked about "Randall getting high on Sprite".... they'll never let me forget that. =(
and i guess i overheard them saying i have eyes that can "dian"... then mei mei said she got "dianed" by me on wednesday... omg.... like since when?!?!?! I wasnt supposed to have heard that but she whispered so loudly to Mel beside me!!! so i just excused myself to the toilet...
that girl didnt feel so well and vomitted again later... and she was pretty emo after that, even while having supper....

Is it worse to see the one u have a crush on everyday?
or not being able to see that person.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 2:19 PM

new song *see me through*- rascal flatts

Before we met I was free
I never had to worry about anyone but me
Now that boy is gone and in his place
Is a man who needs to hold you night and day
So if I stumble, if I fall
Forgive me, I'm just learning as I go along

See me through, see me through
This aching heart has come so far
To be with you, see me through
With angel eyes, just look inside
At all this love I never want to lose
See me through

I know sometimes I let you down
But I'm still getting used to having you around
And if I ever make you cry
There's nothing I won't do to make things right
I'm not perfect and that's for sure
A little time is all I'm asking for

See me through, see me through
This aching heart has come so far
To be with you, see me through
With angel eyes, just look inside
At all this love I never want to lose
See me through

See me through this mask I wear
Well, I'm almost there, you know I care
I am the man you always thought you knew

See me through, see me through
This aching heart has come so far
To be with you, see me through
With angel eyes, just look inside
At all thislove I never want to lose
See me through

See me through, yeah see me through
Oh, see me through
Yeah, yeah Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, see me through
Oh, we're almost there, can't you see that
I'm almost, girl I'm almost there
This mask I wearGirl, I'm almost there, I'm almost there
See me, see me through this mask I wearI'm almost there
Oooo, Oooo, Oooo, girl
See me through, girl

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 7:55 AM

Yawn. This is some tiring day... hadn't even fallen to sleep when i smelt gas in my room last night...Woke the whole family so we went around searching... But in the end we just couldnt find the damn cause, so i took my pillow and blanket and went to the 3rd floor to sleep. slept for about 3 hours, then was dragged outta bed by my mum to go lunch and repair my bro's nano. My eyes were always 3/4 shut during the outing... so damned stoned! and in the end we didnt get the ipod repaired, cause they said wait until the water dries up... what a complete waste of time... i could have hibernated more at home.

Reached home, chatted with people online.. and i thought well maybe what you said makes complete sense. Well at least it works for normal people i guess, but havent you forgotten that im always crazy!!! so yeah i guess it just doesnt suit me. Thank goodness i had someone to talk too or it'd be so weird to emo in the house in the hot afternoon...and yes, i know its damn stupid to get emo while watching stars, but sorry la! cant help it if im born this way rite! basket! some kind of friend! i tell you i almost break down yesterday while star gazing you laugh! %$&$%^& next time dont tell you already la hmph! thank goodness there was someone with me yesterday night if not until now i'd still be at mt faber...

When i think about what happened yesterday, i get lost. The things going through my mind during the star gazing just didnt make sense at all... thats why i was so quiet anyways. running the thoughts through my mind over and over again. Trying to understand. Gets frustratin when at the end of it all you find that you're still stuck at the beginning and no where closer to understanding anything...

I hate the way I lie to myself...
Why's it so hard to just admit the truth?

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 4:19 AM

sorry i was late for supper... total miscommunication i guess. feel damn bad for making you wait for so long.. even the waitress kinda reprimanded me. =x

xinwang supper was not bad, except that i ordered too much bread, and ended up wasting quite a bit... walked along esplanade. full of couples, tried counting but lost count haha... Ended up in Conrad to cab home, but somebody complained that she didnt wanna go home so early!!!
So we ended up in Mount Faber... i've never been there at night before and wow! the view from up there is quite spectacular! 1 side overlooking the city, the other side overlooking sentosa island.

The longer we walked, the more emo i felt for some reason, we kinda were lost there and ended up at some marine deck. it was dark, so we both stoned there. The amount of stars tonight was amazing! I've never seen so many! We walked down to cab home, or so i thought... took a premium taxi. the mercedez one! omg the meter jumped like super fast... In the end we both dropped at punggol and continued walking... Walked to the interchange where we sat down on the benches in darkness! i just feel so comfortable in the dark! well before that we were interupted by dogs again. haha. 2nd time... Xf was stoning, so i walked out to the bus bays. When i looked up the sight took my breath away! the amount of stars now, dazzled me!!! so we just sat there gazing for awhile, before before she started complaining of insect bites!!! so back we walked... cabbed home after that.. physically tired, mentally awake *whats new...*
But overall, the nights were great! sorry again if i was too quiet! just needed to think about some stuff...

If i told you i loved you. we'd begin to live a lie.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 1:35 PM

Just reached home... and i'm locked out of my own room!! cant bathe cant sleep on my comfy bed...*#*@$@%&~~~
"Double O" with Brent, Don, Mel and Mei Mei... poor brent had like 8 shots straight and halfway through dancing he disappeared for 45 mins so i had to go search for him... went into the toilet and called him.. heard his ringtone playing... he spent like 15 mins vomitting!!! haha...
well today we learnt that not only girls are angry when they are hungry! but guys too!! thanks to yours trully... supper at jalan kayu. yawn and now im stuck at my laptop listening to music..

all i wanna do is turn the page, to see what happens..

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 2:06 PM

yawn another sleepless night ahead... but this time its cause of soccer! i kinda had a fun time finding things to do to keep me occupied. music and reading helps alot =)

Read thru many more old entries from kens blog. haha its funny cause there are some portioins where he posts funny conversations that he had with ppl on msn. There was this conversation with me and mal. I think it was just after poly started Mal said that i was "officially becoming cheena"! i read thru that conversation and i had a great time laughing and reminiscing.... Mal just entered army so i wont be able to see him for 9 weeks!!!

When i look up at the night sky i wish there would be someone beside me to enjoy the view.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 11:01 AM

i think i should just take a step back and chill.. constant headaches due to lack of sleep... yawn. losing lots of my precious pigging sleep time cause of this... =(

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 8:46 AM

Chapter 2 part 2 "Change"

2007, January-April
For awhile it was just him and the loneliness, the feeling of pain and lost still remained with him.
But as time wore on, the wounds healed leaving just scars. Pale reflections of our past...
Friends helped to take his mind of things, and he realised how much they meant to him...
He thought well maybe living unattached isnt so hard after all....
Around this time someone new came into his life, at first he thought just friends, but the future held some changes to that.

So does he continue living his life? or take that leap of faith once more?

He continued living and the story still goes on for as long i live, this character will never die...

Epilogue:
Walking away from everything, the allure of all that he was leaving behind was overwhelming... He looked backed at what would soon be a memory of his and his past, before saying a silent goodbye. He raised his head, the sun seemed to shine brighter this morning, and he sat there bathed in the sunlight adding the final touches to this little tale....

Ive stepped out of the past, now to take that leap of faith into the future....
=)

Note: A majority of this tale was written during my nights in Vietnam. just random scribblings of my thoughts during the nights there... The notes were brought back and i just added in a few other stuff. =D

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 4:29 AM

Another sleepless night...
i wonder when isit gonna end?

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 12:42 PM

brrr. i get chills just readin my own entries.... cant sleep again tonight... well at least tomorrows my day of rest. Do nothing but lie in bed. Think ill go grab some prata and a tea. too bad neighbours asleep so alone i go...

Wish my mind would just stay quiet.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 12:49 PM

Chapter 2 Part 1 "Recovery"
2004
He goes into a serious relationship, and allows himself to think that maybe at last... salvation. How wrong he was... He got 44 points for prelims, needless to say how the folks reacted. After the O's he started work at a hotel working as a bell hop. Progressed on to a pack a day... Work opened his eyes to the world...
2005
Poly started, not long after the fairytale ended... He shrugged and just moved on. Needless to say the next relationship ended also. He just couldnt let go of his lifestyle, he proclaimed foolishly: "im just not the type of guy that likes to be tied down". But in actual fact, the door to his heart was shut not letting anyone in...
2006
He met this girl, for her he actually managed to convince himself to quit smoking. But then as soon as it started it ended. 3 days to be exact. He felt hurt, and well the 1st love was there to comfort him. Flames rekindled and this time he tried his hardest to love... He was determined to make it work this time round.
Things seemed to be going well, over the course of the relationship, for the first time in many months he didnt need to hide. Then as the year ended so the relationship, he slipped back into the darkness and let it envelop him once again. He was was badly affected by the incident, blaming himself for lettin things get that way. He was so ready to crack, The emotional strain on his shoulders was just to much. To put on that smile and jovial character, when deep inside he was being split. He decided that he wouldnt love again anytime soon....

What happens when you're not looking for love but it comes finding you?

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 7:23 AM

Im caught in two minds here. ive spent the night brooding over it, but i still dunno what to do or what to expect.
This wasnt even supposed to happen in the first place...
I dont know whether its a good or bad thing, but its the first time ive really been happy in a long while. =)


Oh Randall, you've got yourself in some fix.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 10:12 AM

wee yesterday was fun! celebrations at brent's house liquor and what not... crazy stuff. ice leon tea for yours trully.... Met up wit pearlyne, ain and xf at cheesecake cafe. Interupted their girls night out. sorries =(

Walked alot at punggol yesterday from 1 till like morning!?!?but took many breaks in between due to the stomach and my weak legs haha. but it was fun. The wind, the stars, the dogs, the toads and the creepy crawlies... good training for ns i think =) Though in the end i had a problem going back, waited for busgot impatient decided to go for cab. Waited like 25 mins for a cab... zzzzzz. reached home bathed and slept the day thru.

who knew one could find peace from walking...

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 1:49 AM

Chapter 1 Part 2 "The Plunge"
Things changed from that night onwards, he lost that glimmer in his eyes and seemed lifeless in whatever he did. He stopped talking during meal times and finished quick to get away from them...

December 31st, 2003
New years Eve, he attended a barbeque at the beach, and it was there he picked up on a habit that would he wouldn quit till a few years later. The habit came in the form of attractive bottles, an assortment of colours to him it seemed like a forbidden fruit then. So he indulged in them, drinking till he lost all sense and fell asleep on the rock formations......

February 18th, 2004
Another birthday celebration but this time he decided not to be a part of it. Celebrations lost meaning to him already... he was feeling an all time low, even the drinks that were supposed to numb the pain inside were not helping much anymore. He realised no matter how much he drank, when he awoke the pain was still there.... His thoughts ran wild on him these days, which led to him losing focus in lessons and the results showed. Crying before he slept wasnt uncommon for him during those days, when he felt that he was alone... and no one understood him. He realised he needed help soon after that, counselling sessions began, but they didnt do much good. So he was referred to a specialist, given some pills to help and required to go for "talks" often....
Strangely... It was these talks that shaped him into what he was today, he started to create a wall around his heart and to shut everything out. He started smiling again. Everyone thought he was fine, if only they knew....

Do you know what goes on behind that smile? =)

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 10:21 AM

Chapter 1 part 1 "The Beginning"

As the sun sets on his day, he looks the heavens seeking the answers to the many unanswered questions in his heart. To one it might seem as though he was just day dreaming, living out a fantasy which his own mind creates to detach him from the world he so desperately wants to escape from....

Too many he is known as a person with a cheerful personality, but all this is just a facade. To hide his true self from society he has never really accepted, he walls himself up projecting an image of your normal average teen. To a select few he bares his true thoughts and feelings, he sits at a desk typing and decides to go back to where it all began, to a time when the smiles were true and the laughter genuine....

There are times in life, when you feel that you're soaring, but sometimes you soar so high you lose track of reality and when you realise it, its too late you come crashing down. Sometimes the scars take a long time to heal.

August 17th, 2003
He walks down to join the festive celebrations, he greets the guests and blends into the party.
The song is sung, the candles are blown and the cake is cut. He sits down on the couch and enjoys a piece of the cake, envisioning what his own special day would be like a month later... The celebrations continue and he mingles with the crowd laughing at jokes and the night goes on... This was the point in his life where he felt like he was soaring, little did he know he was about to crash.

September 12th, 2003
His day came, he went out for a movie with his friends. But his mind was on the celebrations that he had been waiting for.... He arrived home, but instead of a happy faces from the 2 important people in his life at the time, he was greeted by stern faces holding a slip of paper...
"We just saw your results..." said dad.
"Why this why now!? of all the days not this one please" he pleads to no one but himself inside his head.
"Whats wrong with you? Why cant you get your priorities right for once? you are a disgrace to us!" said mum.
He hangs his head and says nothing to defend himself. As usual his report card was lined with red scores, failures in many subjects again. It had been this way since he entered secondary school...
He stands there and listens as the words used lashed out at him like whips. That night he was told: "Stay at home and reflect while we go out and enjoy..."
He drags his feet to the bathroom and bathes, and when he comes out everyone is gone. He turns off the light and lies on the bed... He didnt want to be this way, but no matter how hard he tried things just didnt go well academically for him. The tears start to flow and soon he breaks down....

Happy 15th birthday Randall.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 9:36 AM

Well today went to SSDC to take my 7th trial test, together with xf for her FTT. Sadly we both failed. I dont get it... whats with me and 44/50!!!! its just 1 bloody mark away from a pass!!! *sobs* bused----> MRT -------> Changi Airport, for dinner at Popeye's yummy chicken!!! But sadly the bsicuit and fries were just bleahh. And then xf and i parted ways, she to cell group and me to welcome my dad back to Singapore!! yeap. Im pretty lethargic now... somehow my minds in a blank state. dunno what to write anymore... No worries once the inspirations back ill write a compo!!!

take away my sorrows and fill me with happiness.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 8:02 AM

Changed the blog skin. Added in the song "Home" by Dishwalla. I think their songs are awesome... Totally put me into that "mood". haha. This blog skin seems nice to me. The pictures of the couple are just so dream-like! yea. Haha dads flying in tomorrow at 810, hoping to pick him up! And i think i finally got back my appetite! ate 2 dinners!!!! 1 at home 1 at billy bombers! yummy...

I still cant make sense of anything.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 7:49 AM

Im feeling much better today. thanks to the people for the consoling and stuff. Ive done abit of thinking and i realised its not what people make of me that matters. Its how i vision myself, I just got to have that belief. =)
Finally i actually gorged on food today! mwahhahahaha! Looks like i got back my appetite!*mission accomplished*.

Theres something about you,
that makes me want to know more bout you.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 9:48 AM

Im going to start living for myself.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 7:55 PM

These are the times you wish you were not alone....

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 9:15 AM