Well back from Vietnam. Im gonna miss the nights there, haha... so today. kinda started real shitty. with my zipper on my duffel bag choosing the best time to burst causing me to hand carry it onto the plane. well at least i had a window seat... just love looking at the clouds. =)
I guess the plane ride went real fast, as i re-read "for one more day" and i tried to hold back the tears, but to no avail.... yes i actually cried when i read the book, but thats what makes it so damn good....
I guess i cried cause so many parts of that book actually made so much sense where my life was concerned. I guess at the end of the book you'll really understand how much a mother's love means....
So touched down, went home napped abit bathed then went for yy and pearlyne's birthday celebration! Jeremy and I reached at 630 met up with yy and mart. the rest arrived around 730. haha. went to NYDC for dinner, where maine and roy met up with us. Went to eski bar after that, its not bad. The 0 degrees room was fun though haha.
supper with els and jem after that.

Read your blog, read my portion haha. well your friendship and mine is totally different from hers and mine i guess... maybe cause we emo alot thats why. and ya your character is much better then hers anyways!!! =)

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 12:35 PM

The 2 of you are really tearing me apart, i know we're tied by blood but why do you always make me choose between you 2?! We're still one family arent we? please i wish i could just shut everything out.....

help me.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 10:41 AM

Just watched finished the pursuit of happiness. Its a heart warming touching story. I'd recommend it to everyone... tomorrows a long day and i figured i'd try to sleep early for once.
Some marketing to be done tomorrow. yawn another long and tiring day ahead.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 6:35 AM

Its 4am now... ive been trying to sleep since 12. haha but no success. Maybe its cause tonights probably my last night of peace and quiet, with 2 aunts, my grandma and a cousin arriving tomorrow. Its gonna be weird cause my dad asked me to entertain my cousin, and the thing is he hasnt spoken to me since i dunno when... I mean its like his super shy!!! Even new year i shake his hand and wish him he just shakes and smiles shyly at everyone! Let me try to work my magic on him! mwahahaha *evil laughter*
Write back tomorrow!!!

I have been through mire and confusion...

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 1:07 PM

haha guess what on holiday and i got to go to a private hospital.... cause my damn sides still hurt... went for X-ray and was advised to stop alcohol for the mean time till the results are out tomorrow...

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 1:10 AM

my hearts trying to tell me something
but i cant make any sense of it....

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 11:08 AM

After sitting at the balcony and thinking i realise that ive been living in self denial this few months. Ive been hiding behind a wall this past few months afraid of letting anyone into my feelings and my thoughts. Sometimes i really wish i can just sit, brood and stay quiet when im with people. But then most of the times in those situations the people im with are usually also emo. So I'll put on that smile and try to cheer them up. Im thankful for this trip someways cause these past few nights ive really been able to sort out my feelings. And ive come to realise that ive left the past behind and started to slowly but surely move on. I have a few messages i wanna say to the special people around me.

For isabel: If you read this i wish once again that you and him, will always be happy together. Im sorry for the unhappiness i unfairly caused you during the months we were together. If theres anything you need feel free to ask. =)

For Ken: Thanks buddy for the talks, the sitting down the chilling outs. Ive probably inconvenienced you and your parents the past 6 years often! Im really glad to know you as a friend, the past 2 weeks we spent after you booked out of BMT really changed something in me somehow. I just wanna say say thanks for being there for me.

For Jeremy: Thanks for the listening ears in our car or bus rides home together. you've been the closest friend ive made since entering poly. You're one person who can tell whats wrong with me and what to do to get me to laugh. Im glad that you finally can be with her after so long. So now its no longer we getting together in the middle of the night to share problems and laugh about it... Its me finding you now! haha. =)

For Brent: Yo man! since getting to know you, we've caused lots of hell together in school and outside. Ill never forget the time we both got caught smoking together outside cineleisure and you were one person i could always count on to go drinking!!!! haha though i cant hold me liquor as well as you can! The dinner outings we go on often will always continue! its like tradition! haha. Me, you and Medkipit! haha too bad Sean and Justin went into army already....Miss the supper days after raiding! haha. I still dunno what happens of Cg asks us for our surnames? you wanna be Brent Chua or should i be Randall Sim... hmmmmm... haha.

For Xuefang: Hey girl thanks for the suppers, the nights out at the beach just sitting down and talking... Listening to me crap on and on. You must be suffering having to endure the lameness of my jokes sometimes! But its been nice these outings, though most of the time you sit there stoning away and i have to drag you back to reality with "out of the blue" topics! Be happy girl! and theres nothing wrong with being a pig! Its a luxury of life =)

For Medwin: Medkipit! you must be enjoying life in Aussie now u ass!!!! Get me a souvenir! and im not talking bout a boomerang or some kangaroo toy! haha. Same as Brent I appreciate you being there for me, drinking sessions and what not. Theres still something that bothers me though...... You damn Biatchhhh! how come me and Brent got caught and you were the lucky one who went to buy food!!!! ARGHHH!!! haha. I wanna go for supper again! drive me around vrrroooom...

And the 2g people! theres just too many of you!: though you prolly wont read this haha. maybe zy,brent or med will be kind enough to share how much i appreciate you all! The times we spent together on outings will never be forgotten! I just dont get something... how come we never had chalet!? As usual cause we're all too lazy... Simplest is just to: Tomorrow 2pm PS movie. hahaha.... Lets go swimming again! =)

Im blessed to know you all.
-randall-

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 9:43 AM

Its alright i'll be fine,
dont worry bout this heart of mine,
just take your love and hit the road
Theres nothing you can do or say
you're gonna break my heart anyway
so leave the pieces when you go.....

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 8:56 AM

And now i realise how hard it is to live alone.
I ate lunch alone, i practically did everything alone. Even dinner.
And now i dont take for granted what my dad does. to come home to an empty home.
He must really feel lonely...
Ive just read finished the book "For one more day"by Mitch Albom. Its a great book to read, opened up my mind to many things...
and now i guess im still kind of alone... dad's in the room sleeping and im listening to my music and just thinking.... i'll write back again. mental block!

I love you everyday.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 8:41 AM

Well so far my trip has been quite okay. not quite boring during the day, but once the night hits.
Boy do i get homesick... thats when i just sit with the laptop at the balcony and a drink. Quite relaxing, i just shut my eyes let the breeze blow and listen to the hustle and bustle of Ho chin minh city. Only thing is when i sit out there i wish i had someone to talk to... gets lonely. haha. so therefore spacing out is pretty common for me. Slept at around 5 woke up at around 2, watched somemore heroes, before heading to the steam bath and jacuzzi. Helped me to loosen up a lil. Then a feast at the apartment restaurant serving mongolian BBQ, yummy. alright ill write back tomorrow.

You make me feel special.
So come and take me home, lead me to your door
Take me where you are.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 6:51 AM

Time for some sitting at the balcony with the laptop again, only this time i just too tired to write down my thoughts. yawn. ill write tomorrow. Just 1 day here and im already home sick, sigh... i thought 5 days was hell now i got to live with 9!!!

I Wish i could be every little thing you wanted,
all the times,
sometimes...

and its real - the silence

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 10:05 AM

Thanks for the company, at least i managed to go to the beach one more time before i leave =D.
and please try not to emo so much kaye! I hope that you figure out whatevers bothering you real soon... and get over your fear of cats! x)

i still cant bear to leave everything behind.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 11:25 AM

im flying off soon.. a trip for me to relax... haha.

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 8:30 AM

What a night. tipsy from drinks... yawn but some reason i cant seem to stay awake.
Its times like this i hate, i go searching through my past for answers to questions again.
whoever said drinking takes away your troubles... *absolute nonsense*

Everytime i search for the answer to that question i feel lost.
Everything thats happened the past year just comes crashing down,
the sensation i feel, i cant describe it. i start hearing voices from my past over and over again.
Reminding me of my faults, my mistakes, my insecurities and the things i abandoned foolishly.
it makes me just want to curl up and cover my head with something...
I search my past trying to find out what made me do those things.
I get a sudden rush of emotions: guilt. sadness. anger. loss. helplessness
But at the end of it all Sudden clarity. always hits me.
i seem to find all the answers...
The things i have achieved, the friends i have, the loves i garnered and threw away so easily...
I dont deserve them.
Im humbled, i hang by head down and let humility sink in.
Im only human.
I look out my window and i wish the darkness would just claim me.

Can i live with this loneliness?

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 11:48 AM

things just dont make sense somehow...

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 7:51 AM

if you're reading this and blaming yourself still... please stop. doesnt make the situation any better! yesterday had me thinking its about time i stopped wallowing already and moved on....
so i'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for just being there and caring =D

那次以后 我们两个再也没有见面了
我只能说 再见.....

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 8:52 AM

Well... sometimes the truth just has to bloody hurt so much. what the hell la. I didnt want to lose her... Its cause of some bloody misunderstanding and guess what!? until now! the misunderstanding is still going on!

It sucks cause people say blame yourself for letting things turn out this way. blame yourself for letting her get so close to you without you saying a damn bloody thing.
Dont you think i havent blamed myself yet?!
Ive been blaming my damn self for the every single day for the past 3 months already damn it.
Everyday i think about what i did wrong, what things could have been and im like so freaking close to breaking down sometimes.
Everynight lying in bed, i shut my eyes cover my ears with my pillow but the guilt haunts me.
And everytime you people say its also your fault dont keep blaming the other girl. YES I KNOW!!! i wish i could let you people feel how i feel inside...

ps. xf im not blaming you for bringing that topic up i just needed to write this out. =D



time hasnt given me the privilege of forgiveness....
and im not sure i deserve it either....

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 6:22 AM

I back blogging here! mwahahaha! busy with exams and shit. Omg. im so damn nervous bout bpharm. Sheesh. Should have studied harder and not been so careless bout my F***ing calculator... now i gotta worry bout my supps. yawn.

So... the hols are here. but im spending my time mahjonging! cant wait for this weekend! Can meet up finally with zy, after what seems like eternity.... need to catch up! alright im to moody to continue blogging... time for some good sleep...

Compared to friendship, gold is dirt. .
- 5:25 AM